My PPD/Anxiety Nightmare!

I have not posted in weeks because I was tossing around the idea of whether or not to share my experience that I just recently endured with Post Partum Depression and Anxiety, but I decided that I should share it as I feel not a lot of women like to talk about it or feel comfortable with sharing but it happened to me and let me tell you it was hell, but now that I am on the other side I know there is hope for everyone. This story is a little long so bear with me. 

I have had anxiety attacks for a little over 5 years but have had them pretty under control in the past year, and I should add that I am a huge worrier which does not help my anxiety. Well one night Luke had slept for 5 hours and woke up around 4am, he went right back to sleep but I of course could not. I got on my babycenter and was just surfing my August 2010 group, well I read a horrid post about one of the mommies who had her baby in August and she suffered from Post Partum Psychosis and took her life tragically one morning leaving behind her husband and new born baby girl. I was in total shock, and of course wanted to know more about this disease, so I of course got on google and researched it, and read all these horrid stories. I could not get back to sleep of course and all I could think about all day were these stories. I tried to just brush it off but soon I found that it was consuming my thoughts! It was horrible, I kept thinking "Oh my gosh what if I ever developed this" and just sent myself into a whirlwind of panic, this lasted an entire week, where I kept having horrible thoughts and then anxiety attacks because I was so scared these thoughts even came into my mind!

Why me!? Why am I thinking these scary things? I have a perfect family and know I would NEVER hurt any of them or myself but why are these thoughts in my head! It was truly killing me, I could not sleep, I could not think, I could not do anything! It was to the point where I would be afraid to go to sleep because I knew when I had to get up with Luke I would not be able to fall asleep and the vicious cycle would return. I decided to go see my OB to discuss this, he said it was totally normal and I was probably just sleep deprived and it was hitting me harder than ever so he prescribed me zoloft. I of course do not want to be on meds, but I was desperate to have these attacks stop. I started taking them right away, the next day I hit an all time low and it was on the weekend where I could not run to see my OB, I just wanted something to stop the anxiety attacks and calm me down, maybe get some sleep for once! I called in and talked to one of the midwives and she said if the anxiety attacks got so intense I could go to the ER and have them give me something. Well that night I decided to take that route, I was bawling my eyes out to Jordan, shaking and just felt completely out of control, the panic would not stop and all I wanted to do was get SLEEP!

We headed to the ER where I just wanted them to give me something to take the anxiety away so I could fall asleep, because zoloft takes weeks to kick in and I needed an instant fix! Well we get in and I talk with a social worker about what I have been experiencing, I told her I just wanted the attacks to stop but I made it clear I in NO WAY was going to harm myself or my children, I told her it was the anxiety and what ifs that were consuming my mind and I just wanted the anxiety to stop. The attacks were one after the other and if you have ever had an anxiety attack it was hell! Well she asked what we wanted to do and all I could think about was getting a good nights sleep and maybe a pill to take the anxiety away and go home in the morning. Well long story short, the social worker and doctor decided on their own by twisting my words to tell me that I HAD TO GO BE EVALUATED for 2-3 days! The doctor did not even consult with me and came in and was MEAN to me and told me she did not want to hear what I had to say and that she had already heard it all from the social worker. All I wanted was something to calm me down, in the meantime we had decided that it would be best for me and the kids to go to my parents for a few days so I could rest and have them help with the boys. I tried to find the social worker to reason with her and tell her that she had twisted my words and was BLOWING this all out of proportion. Well about an hour passed and no one came so we decided to leave, I knew it was risky but seriously they were being insane and trying to take me away from my family! That does not fly well with me!
We checked the halls and no one was even paying attention, so we walked out, rushed home, packed and headed to my parents. They live about an hour and a half away and by the time we got there we had heard nothing from the hospital so I was feeling good and starting to settle down. Around 3:30 am I heard Jordan's blackberry going off just as I was about to fall asleep. Low and behold we both had voicemails from the ER doctor SCREAMING at us, telling us I was going to be under arrest, that they pink slipped me and I had to return to the ER IMMEDIATELY. I of course started to have EVEN MORE panic and was freaking out, I called the ER and got ahold of the social worker (a new one had taken over) I told her the situation and she was really nice and said she would get the doctor, she got on the phone and was HORRID to me, saying I was a risk to myself and my family and throwing out that women are on the news all the time for killing themselves and so on. I told her she did not even speak to me and IF she would have SHE WOULD KNOW that I was in control and NOT going to hurt anyone and all I was having was ANXIETY attacks and all I wanted to do was sleep so I could think straight, and so on, she just kept yelling at me and threatening me and said the police were on the way to my house. I told her i was not coming back because they were twisting my words and that I was getting help from my family and other doctors. And we left it at that. I could NOT believe the conversation we had and the fact that I went to the ER for help to sleep and stop the anxiety and it had twisted this far out of control and they had the police after me! The doctor did NOT EVEN TALK TO ME about it and was going off of what some social worker twisted into her own words! I completely understand if I would have said I was thinking of harming myself or my family that they would act this way but I gave them NO indication to act out this way.

This whole trip resulted in my having MORE anxiety than EVER....needless to say I did not sleep that night, when it was finally a reasonable hour of the morning we made some phone calls to Jordan's mom and my OB to figure out what we could do and we found out the pink slip is only good for 72 hours, regardless of if they have me in their control or not, and they did not have me so the clock was already ticking, we just had to get through these 72 hours without them finding me. My midwife was SHOCKED by how I was treated and felt horrible that I was going through it and she said to just take some benadryl and get a good nights sleep and go from there. Well I come to find out the police DID go to my house to find me, my friends were letting our dog out and they came asking where I was, they of course said they did not know. So here I was NOT sleeping in over a day and a half panicking that they were going to some how find me and throw me away to the loony bin! It was horrible, and I tried my best to relax and ignore it. My parents said they would wake up that night and take care of Luke so I could get some sleep. Jordan had to head home to leave for a work trip that night, so it was just me, the boys and my parents. I of course started to have panic because I wanted Jordan there with me. As I was about to fall asleep, Jordan called letting me know his boss wanted him to take the week off as his wife went through something similar, I was so happy to know Jordan would be returning in the morning. I took some benadryl and zonked out for 12 hours! It was amazing what sleep will do for you! 

The next morning Jordan arrived back and that helped to put me at ease, we just lounged and recovered from the whole crazy weekend. The pink slip did disappear after 72 hours and it completely stopped, so we could finally return home, those first few days were a little scary as we did not know what would happen and if they would show up at our door. It has been almost 2 weeks since it happened and I am feeling a THOUSAND times better! I am still taking the zoloft, I had found ways to settle myself down to actually get sleep and I have found that my anxiety is totally dying down because I am not allowing myself to feed into it like I was.

I realized that I need to ask for help when I am tired and stop trying to be SUPER MOMMY, because the minute Luke arrived I had tried to do it ALL! I hate asking for help but look where I wound up, I was exhausted to death and creating all these horrid anxiety attacks all because I was to prideful to ask for a hand. Well I will never be too prideful again because that experience was by far the scariest thing ever. I can not do it all, and I realized that!

I will finally be back to posting as I have MISSED blogging! I am waiting until I find my camera which has been missing to post some  new pics! I have a bad feeling Vincent threw it in the trash (he loves throwing stuff away now!) but I am really hoping it shows up soon! Until next time....xoxo


  1. Oh girl! I am so sorry this whole ordeal happened! Will be praying for you! Sometimes Social Workers just try to figure out ways to make situations worse!

    I'm glad things are looking up for you!

  2. Thinking of you. Take care of yourself :)

  3. What a horribly traumatic experience! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can totally relate to the whole "wanting to be supermommy" thing. I hate asking for help, but sometimes we have to just swallow our pride (as much as we hate to!). Happy to hear you are feeling better!

  4. I can't believe that DR! You should report her, that is not okay for someone in your situation to ahve to deal with that. I'm so sorry. I've had PPD since my daughter was born and I have had an article published about it. Women need to share their stories so others don't feel so alone in it. I can honestly say, if I had not gotten help, I would not be here today. You can read my story over at my blog under the depression tag.
    Take care of yourself and ask for help before you need it!

  5. I have Brooke Shields book for you, will be coming in the mail with Vincent's monster pjs, Luke's new onsie, and a picture frame. Love you, Grandma/Mom

  6. Allie, wow! What a horrible experience. I will definitly be praying for peace over ya'll. I'm happy ya'll are home, together, and rested. If you need anything dont hesitate to ask.