That is pretty much the word that sums up what I feel. I cannot even put into "correct" words yet what the experience has been like. It all happened so incredibly fast and at the moment I was trying to believe that it wasn't real! But what I am left with now is just an empty hole in my heart. I am not sure exactly what I am as far as emotions go. I just feel like someone came inside of my body and took away that little sweet morsel and ran away. That pretty much sums it up I guess. One day the baby was there and everything seemed right. I was feeling great on the outside and so happy that we would be expanding our family again, then in an instant it was gone. I am reminded each time I go to the bathroom just how far gone the baby really is. I really just want the bleeding to stop. I think once that stops I will feel a little more like myself. I mean come on I was looking forward to no period for the next 9 months and BAM here I am left with blood and clots worst than any normal period! I keep trying to think about how much worse it would have been had it been further in my pregnancy or had I known the gender, but no matter how I slice it or when it would have happened, I still feel at loss for what would have and could have been.

But today I have decided was perfect to say a goodbye. The skies were clear, it was warm and just PERFECT.

I was given an ultrasound photo in the ER when the baby was still alive on Tuesday, I did not want to throw it away, shred it up or even put it in a box to never been seen. I wanted to do something special with it. I decided that we would tie the ultrasound picture to a pink and blue (since we did not know the gender) balloon and release it up to heaven. So that is what we did. 

(I know this is not the most "green" thing to do...please do not hold it against us)

  (Vincent was not much for cooperating...hello dude how can letting a balloon fly away not be cool??)

It was actually beautiful to watch it fly up into the beautiful blue skies. The glare from the ultrasound flickered at us even a few miles away. It was kind of like the baby waving to let us know he/she is safe in heaven. It felt good to watch it soar above us and out of sight.

Vincent chimed in with "Bye Bye Baby" a few times in the sweetest voice.

We stood there for a good 10 minutes, it stayed in our sight for a long time. Even though we "released" it to heaven it does not mean that the baby will no longer be in our hearts. This is a significant point for me, for us and for our family. We love you to the moon and back little one, watch over us and keep an eye on your two big brothers. 

All of your sweet words and prayers warmed my heart this past week. I thank you all for them! Melanie said something that sticks in my mind about our little beans being in heaven, she said "What better babysitter than God", so true Melanie, I cannot think of a better babysitter to watch our little beans in heaven (Melanie also has suffered a miscarriage).

Until next time....xoxo


  1. My heart breaks for you Allie. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine and wish there was something that could be done or said that could rewind time and change it all for you. Remember that God's grace is sufficient for us because in our weakness his power is made perfect. God bless you guys. I have been been and will continue to pray for you. <3

  2. Oh Allie,

    I know how much your heart aches. I lost a baby at 13 weeks and it was the hardest thing to go through. Everytime I went to bathroom I was reminded of it. I know those exact feelings. It hurts and you do not know why this happened to you.
    I knew that the baby was safe in heaven and that I would see he or she again one day. God is the best sitter though. I will pray for strength in your heart and peace with it.
    I got pregnant a month later and now have a beautiful 8 month girl. God knows why that baby is heaven and it is his will and he is control. I know these are hard words to grasp on to,but you have to remember that he loves you and will provide again!

    5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

    I will pray for you!

  3. Your blog brought tears to my eyes, but the pictures of the boys made me laugh. Hang in there, it will get better with time, it truly does.

    Love you all.

  4. You made me cry reading this post. I've been thinking and praying for your family 24/7 lately and will continue to do so. Happy thoughts love! And hang in there... :-)

  5. This was the right thing to do. The balloons. I know the baby is in heaven. I really do. I Love you and i am so sorry you have to go through this.

  6. I"m so so sorry to hear about your loss!!! I had three miscarriages and can say that they were all so hard to endure. But my two boys and now we're expecting #3 (a girl) make me even more grateful for the miracles that they are!

    What a beautiful way to send the baby up to heaven.

    I'm praying for your family and hug those boys extra tight.

  7. Allie friend... that was purely beautiful. My heart it so touched. Please know that Jaxy & I are praying for you & your amazing family. I promise. Every night. Everynight Jaxy & I have cuddle time & pray for all the people we love. Thank God for keeping our lil beans in his arms, until we can hold them. Thank God for our GLORIOUS precoius little boys. I heart you sweet friend. XOXO.

  8. Btw... mama looks HOT! LOVE LOVE LOOOVE your summer dress. So pretty! (sweet BUT slutty church girls) That's how "Ya do the darn thing!" Was that too blunt...?

    (I know I'm a huge dork) I hope I made you smile, just a bit.

  9. That was lovely. What a beautiful way to say goodbye.

  10. Remember what I told you, that if I had not of had that miscarriage, there would of been no T. J., and if no T. J., no Alex and Jordan. God has special plans for all of you, I am confident of that.

  11. What a sweet way to honor your baby!

  12. Such a great and touching story. What a great way to honor the baby.

  13. Allie - I have been MIA from the blogosphere for weeks and I am just now catching up on your blog.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Though I have never suffered a miscarriage, my best friend has lost two babies this way, and it is just heart-breaking. In your previous post, you said something about being so attached to your new baby even when you've only known them for a few weeks.

    ...And then you have to say goodbye to them. It's just so painful. But you are right - you now have a little saint in Heaven, watching over you and interceding for your family! What a precious gift.

    Praise God we have a faith which proclaims belief in the "Communion of Saints" so we can be connected to those who have gone before us while we're still on Earth and
    also, we can hope for and look forward to an eternity with our loved ones in Heaven.

    Sending you lots of love and prayers, sweetie! <>