Table for 5?....

For the past few weeks I have been hiding something from a lot of people. And now I know WHY I was hiding this secret. On our vacation, I was supposed to be getting my period, we chart my period so I have it down to an art and know exactly when my period will come, well that day came and went. I knew something was up. Anyways I waited a few days to confirm my suspicion and I grabbed a pregnancy test and wouldn't you know the plus sign appeared plain as day. I swear my husband has super sperm! We found out the last day of vacation that we indeed were pregnant with baby #3! A bazillion emotions went through my head from what the heck are we going to do to starting to get excited that it indeed may be a girl FINALLY! I was even thinking of what to rename the blog. Jordan and I were so excited that we would be having another little monster running around in the house. We joked that we had at least spaced these babies out further than Vincent and Luke, Luke and baby #3 would have been 18 months apart! haha GO US!

Anyways everything was going smoothly as it had with both of the boys pregnancies, it was just cruising by and I was gearing up for my 8 week appt which was scheduled for June 13th. I was finally settling into the fact that Luke would be a BIG brother instead of the little brother! haha! Kind of funny that Vincent would be the lead man in charge of them! 

Anyways we just were going on with life as normal.We only told a few close friends which is what totally breaks my heart. My friend Chrissy had her baby shower on Saturday and I did not want to spill the beans to her because hello she did not need to be congratulating me when the shower was for her baby! haha But after the shower before I was leaving we were talking and she asked when we would start trying for baby #3. I kind of paused and teared up a little and said that I was pregnant but did not want to say anything. Chrissy's reaction was so cute. She started tearing up and hugging me and this went on for a few minutes haha. Seeing my friend's excitement made me even more excited for the little bean inside my belly. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I had been up all night with horrible diarrhea (TMI I KNOW) but just chalked it up to being pregnant, so I had been having horrible cramping from that. But during the afternoon I noticed a small amount of blood when I wiped. I knew something was NOT right. I called the OB and they said to head to the ER to check things out. Jordan was out of town and I did not want to go alone so I called my sister in law who had no idea I was even pregnant and she came along. Poor Jennifer! We wait and wait and finally get seen in the ER.

The entire experience felt like it was in slow motion.

They did a internal exam and my cervix was closed which was a good sign, my pregnancy test came back positive which was also a good sign but they did see some blood. They sent me back for an ultrasound, the ultrasound tech was not allowed to tell us ANYTHING but I kept badgering so she was giving me tiny bits of info! I was trying my best to read her face but it was blank...darn her. At the end she gave me a picture and said do not tell anyone I did this (sorry I am lol) so I figured things must had been okay if she gave me a picture. I mean what sick person would give someone a picture of their dead baby? So the doctor finally came and delivered the news and the baby was there inside and ALIVE but the heart rate was slower than average and they said the baby was measuring 5weeks and 5days but in reality the baby was supposed to be 6weeks and 6days along. (remember I am a psycho period charter). I pretty much chalked that up to a huge NEGATIVE since I knew my dates were correct so I knew something was wrong with the baby since it had a slow heart rate and was smaller than he/she was supposed to be. I left the hospital knowing that there was a 50/50 shot at the baby surviving...but hey crazier things have happened right? So last night I just kind of came to terms with the fact that something was up and that I may indeed be miscarrying. But in the back of my mind I thought there was still a tiny shot since I saw the baby bean alive and that the bleeding had stopped.

Fast foward to this afternoon. Things were fine this morning and we had a play date at the local indoor bounce house so I got the boys ready and off we went. While they were playing I noticed some mild cramping and thought I felt a little wet down there. When we left and were getting into the car I reached down with a baby wipe to check and it was blood. LOTS! I came flying home and ran into the bathroom, instead of pee coming out it was just a stream of blood and clots. I KNEW it was OVER. 

I called the OB and she said this is normal and that my body will bleed and discard everything that was inside of me. I am a little numb to the situation at the moment. I cannot really even muster up the word miscarriage as it makes me burst into tears. I have to return to the doctor tomorrow to check my blood levels and make sure the pregnancy hormone goes back to zero. 

I have been so blessed with flawless pregnancies with Vincent and Luke that I am blindsided by this. I never knew just HOW attached you can get to a baby that you only found out about a few weeks ago. The idea was just finally settling in to me and in an instant he/she is gone. It pains me so much because I know yesterday at this time my little bean was inside me fighting for their life. I guess I am just stumped because I will never know what went wrong. Miscarriages are so common but I did not think it would happen to us. 

The good news is that we will have a little bean up in heaven and one day we will meet he or she. 

I have no idea what to expect from here on out. As of now this is how I am dealing with it. By writing out my emotions. I am not sure if that is the "right" way to deal but it is working for me. I feel like it is better that I get my emotions out now versus a few weeks or months away and having to revisit these emotions again. Jordan out of town and said he was going to come home. But I told him there is nothing he can do, because I do not want to sit and cry over what could have been. For the moment it just is what it is. It just sucks that it happened.  

Say a prayer for us and our little angel baby.  

22 comments:

  1. I just read your post. I am so sorry. I have two boys and I just can't imagine the thoughts/emotions you are having. I will be praying for a speedy recovery - both physically & emotionally. Hang in there sweetie.

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  2. i am definitely praying for you guys. <3

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  3. Sending prayers to you and your family.

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  4. You just broke my heart. I'm so sorry! Spend the day soaking up your boys and don't be alone! You are brave to post about this so soon, but I'm glad you did. You will have alot of people praying and thinking about you today.

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  5. Sending my prayers. I hope in time you find peace with this. I know it's so hard.

    My first pregnancy was a misscarriage. It was really hard. I haven't talked about it much to many people. But we as women should talk about these things. It's so common and yet when it happens we feel like we are the only ones who have gone thru it. Thank you for posting about it. I should too.

    I found some peace knowing that my little angel baby would watch over me and his/her future bothers and sisters. And that God's plan always works out. His way, not mine.

    But it was/is, still a hard thing. For me I grieved the future I had made in my head. All the attachment I had made to that little baby in a matter of a couple weeks.

    I had faith that God had other plans for me and my little angel. Within about 4 months I was pregnant again. I had a flawless pregnancy (aside from extreme anxiety for about the first 19 weeks) and now Presley is the light of our lives. I can't imagine things any other way.

    I won't ever forget what it was like to miscarry. It changes you a little. And I know in all my future pregnancies, I will have that anxiety during those early months of pregnancy. It's who I am now.

    But I also have my sweet baby girl, and it is a reminder to keep my faith.

    So look at your boys, remember they were put in your life for a reason and know that when you do have baby #3 in your arms, it will all make sense.

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  6. I said a prayer for you guys and little bean. My heart breaks for you guys...but as we know God has a plan and i'm excited to see what that brings! You have two beautiful boys to look at to help you guys through this :)

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  7. Oh Allie. I am so incredibly sorry to hear about this. I know the pain and I know that no words help. I am praying for you and your family though. Have faith that things happen for reasons, though the reasons may not be clear sometimes.

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  8. Oh I'm so sorry honey. I know that feeling. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I really know what you are going through. Sometimes I wish that we didn't have those pregnancy tests that we can do at home. I know that my mom said they had to wait until they missed 3 periods before they could be tested "back in the day".

    When I lost mine I was supposed to be 12 weeks, but the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. It was difficult. The only thing you can do is hold the ones you have, and know everything will be okay. :) ((hugs))

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  9. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I have had two miscarriages before and they never get easy, just know that everything happens for a reason. Your table will get bigger in time :)
    I know it doesn't help to read things like this but if you want someone to talk to I know what you are going through so feel free.

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  10. I am so so so so sorry. I've had 3 miscarriages and it never gets easier. Just let yourself cry, let it all out. Down give yourself a time to be "over it" by, because hun you never get over the death of a child whether it was born or not.

    My best friend got pregnant and was due in December. She got pregnant right after her 4th miscarriage and she begged me to get pregnant with her. My husband was also begging me. So I gave in and sure enough I got pregnant and was due 2 weeks after her in January. We made plans for me to go late and her to go early and we'd meet in the middle.

    Well her baby had Trisomy 22 and she lost it 9 short weeks in. I am so heart broken to see so many of my friends going through losses here recently. It just isn't right or fair. I am so so sorry.

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  11. Oh my sweet Allie, Sending the biggest hug & so much love your way.

    We to have a little angel up in heaven, that I can't wait to meet one day. Before I was blessed w/ my precious happy jax, we had he miscarriage also. I think it's the always wondering...what would have been that hurts the most. I wish I had some magical advice for you. I just had to give it up to God, & trust in him. We will both hug our lil beans one day. Until then what better babysitter than God, right? I will be praying for you & your lovely family. <3 you mommy XO

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  12. Oh I am so sorry to hear this. Hope you are doing okay. You have lots of bloggers thinking about you

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  13. I've been there too, and it changed me. God has a plan for us. Sending prayers for you and your family.

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  14. ((hugs)) and prayers out to you all.. I am so sorry you have experienced this pain. There is no wrong way to express your grief... releasing it is the key, and writing is your gift. Prayers for you while you heal.

    ♥AM

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  15. Lots of prayers and ((hugs)) being sent your way!

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  16. I am praying for you, Allie. Your "bean" is up in heaven praying for you, too.

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  17. Hi there,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know where you have been. I lost my Angel baby girl at 16 weeks. It was a total shock especially after an uneventful pregnancy with my son, Aidan. You'll never forget, and it'll never stop hurting, but it gets easier to deal with, it gets easier to be happy, and one day, when you are ready you'll get your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There is a great Misscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss support group on babycenter. It sounds odd, but it really helps to read other peoples stories, vents, and maybe even share your own. It is nice to know you are not alone even though you wish no one ever had to go through such a horrible ordeal.

    http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a15155/miscarriage_stillbirth_infant_loss_support

    Hugs and Prayers,
    Cristina

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  18. love your blog! We are your newest follower. be sure to stop by and check our our baby/kid boutique!

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  19. I am really sorry for this loss. I know it's behind you now, but I also feel that a mother will never forget about any of her babies. It's a very hard thing to go through, and I find hope in your story since you are now pregnant again - I am hoping for the same!

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