Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My Take Tuesday: Miscarriage

I have started to write posts about miscarriage numerous times only to leave them half written.

I talked VERY openly about our situation the week it happened
but since then I have kind of been a little hush hush.
I feel like I have SO MUCH to say 
and then when I start to write all my thoughts get mixed up and cluttered....
I guess the whole topic kind of puts me on edge...

*If you are new to my blog here is the first post and second post on our situation*

Short version....
We miscarried on June 1 (about 7 weeks along) out of the blue, found out we were PREGNANT again in July and are now 20 weeks pregnant...

After losing the baby in June I really did not know what to feel...
I felt defeated, angry, confused, helpless.....
We were about 7 weeks along with the pregnancy when it happened...
It was really a mothers intuition type scenario...
I noticed the tiniest (i mean TINIEST) smidge of blood when I wiped after peeing...I am talking pin size...
I knew something was not right....I did not want to be right....but I indeed turned out to be right...
I saw our baby alive on the ultrasound on May 31...
He/she died somewhere between that ultrasound and me miscarrying the next day...
I
 do not really know how I would feel if it were to come right out of the blue?!
I feel like sitting in the ER and hearing that the baby had a 50/50 shot of surviving
may have gave me a second or two to take the situation in before it hit me like a ton of bricks 
and I was in the bathroom with nothing but a toilet full of blood....

I do not know which scenario is better...
Kind of knowing it is coming....or being taken fully be surprise
All I know is that IT indeed... SUCKED...

There is really no better way to slice it...

One day you are envisioning what this baby will be like...
Will it be a boy or a girl...
If it is a boy will it look more like Vincent with brown eyes...
Or Luke with bright blue eyes...
Or will this babe have green eyes like Jordan...
It does not take LONG to get attached to that little bean inside of you...
It only took me an instant to fall in love...

Jordan and I have never really had a set number of kids in mind that we want...
We just kind of go with the flow...
After the loss we talked a lot about how blessed we were to have Vincent and Luke...
They fill our hearts with so much love that it's insane...
We decided that if we were meant to have more kids...it would happen...
And if not...we were MORE than blessed with Vincent and Luke...
((I mean seriously they are the bomb))

The weeks that followed were a blur....
I was exhausted and felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks...
Little did I know that something else was going on besides the miscarriage...
2 weeks after miscarrying another little bean was forming once again inside of me...
This babe was filling a spot inside me that I was NOT expecting to be filled for awhile...

I was waiting for my period to return...they say it comes between 4-6 weeks after miscarrying...
I just wanted to get back on track and get back to charting my period and 
MAYBE start thinking about if and when we would start trying again....
6 weeks came and I had an extra pregnancy test lying around...
I figured what the heck...
I took it and BRIGHT as can be a plus sign appeared...
I had to do a double take to make sure I was not crazy....

We are now 20 weeks pregnant and this baby is happy and healthy (knock on wood)
We have our BIG ultrasound this friday...and NO gender will be revealed 
(I am sure I will kick myself for this)

I have not talked too in depth about this pregnancy mainly because of what we went through in June...
I just do not want to get ahead of myself...
But the further we get, the more confident I am...

Miscarriage has changed me...
Not for the worse but for the better...
It has made me NOT take any moment for granted....
God has a plan for me....

I bawled writing the details of the miscarriage...
But now I am overwhelmed with JOY for what has happened since that day.
I will never forget that baby.
He or She will always have a piece of my heart...
I mean seriously...he or she was a part of me...growing inside of me...
That is something very sacred.
I do not know what went wrong and I never will.
But I am okay with that.
It was not meant to be for us at the moment.
But now the moment is right and we are once again blessed.

All of your thoughts and prayers in June HELPED me more than you will ever know.
I NEEDED THAT....I needed to share with you all what I was feeling in those moments...
I needed to write them out and get them off of my chest....

I guess if I have any advice:
is there really any good advice for this sort of topic...

*TALK about it with others....I can NOT even tell you how many people emailed me about their own experience and lended me a helping hand....
*Remember what you are feeling is NORMAL...
*Acknowledge your loss...we let go a pink & blue balloon up to heaven...it helped me to say goodbye.
*TALK SOME MORE....haha seriously!
*TAKE TIME....for you....your husband....your family....

Jordan and I sometimes will talk about the situation and the outcome is always...
"THAT SUCKED!"
but the miraculous turn of events we have had are MORE than a blessing....

If you have experienced a miscarriage and ever want to vent or talk...I AM HERE...I said it a million times in this post but talking to other mothers about their experience HELPED so much!! 

I of course hope and pray that none of you have to experience a miscarriage but if you do there is hope 
and LOTS of love from so many amazing women on here!

xoxo

15 comments:

  1. I could not agree with this post more. I had a missed miscarriage at the end of April at 9.5 weeks (found out at an ultrasound) and found out in July that we are expecting again (due March). I still am very sad to think that I should have a baby next month. I can't imagine how difficult Thanksgiving will be. But you are right, talking about it really does help. My husband and I are certainly stronger because of the miscarriage and it has made us appreciate the little life growing inside of me even more.

    After going through a miscarriage yourself, you find that you are truly not alone. It is, unfortunately, common. Sometimes I think that baby was there to get my body ready for this one, somehow. As hard as it is to realize, there must have been a reason.

    And as I am typing this my 17 week old baby is kicking me harder than ever, letting me know that it is okay. It is still very emotional for me, and I doubt it ever won't be, but I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest extent.

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  2. I actually wrote a post yesterday (but never published it) about how hard it was/is for me to get excited about this baby up until about now. We didn't lose this baby but we were constantly reminded that there was many things that could go wrong and being a "threatened miscarriage" we lived in fear everyday that our baby wasn't going to survive.

    It's so true...situations such as these teach you to never take anything for granted. It definitely brought Brice and I's marriage so much closer, and made me so thankful for Sophie. And now, as I'm feeling this baby move and groove I am reassured that all is in God's hands. That I CAN get excited about this baby.

    I am so glad that your baby is healthy and growing. And the baby you lost in June will never be forgotten, and someday you WILL get to know that life. Here's to you having a GREAT ultrasound Friday! Mine is next wednesday and I'm about dying from anticipation!

    Lots of love!

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  3. What a beautiful post. I'm lucky enough to say I've never had a miscarriage and my heart breaks for those women that have. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and loss that follows.

    So glad you have a healthy and growing baby! While it will never replace the one that was lost, it can certainly help heal the soul just a bit. Good luck at your ultrasound!

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  4. Stephanie LangloisOctober 18, 2011 at 6:23 PM

    Thank you for posting this Allie. We discovered we were pregnant in early July. I was 7 weeks pregnant when I was admitted to the hospital on July 27th...the day after my husband's birthday. :( We had been trying for the past year to get pregnant with no success. The joy we felt when we found out we were expecting was such a brief moment...that it almost seems like it never happened...except for the ache in my heart. I still have a really difficult time being around anyone pregnant. Thankfully my husband has been more supportive and loving than I could have ever imagined. We are almost at the point when we can start trying again. I know in my heart we will have children and I have to keep telling myself that its all in Gods hands.

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  5. I've never had a miscarriage so I never know the right thing to say, but I think you made a good point. Sometimes it takes something bad to make us really realize all the good you really have in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss and so happy for the little joy that is soon to come into your family!

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  6. You are so right about talking to others that have experienced a loss if it happens to you. My husband and I lost our first baby in June of 2006 (at 7 weeks) and it forever changed me/us. It made me instantly realize that you can never take one minute with your children (or anyone for that matter) for granted b/c we are not promised tomorrow. That summer was the most difficult summer of my entire life, but it forced me to grow as a person. Thankfully, in August of 2006 we became pregnant again and had an amazing little boy, and have since gone on to have a precious baby girl (8 months ago). I couldn't have gotten through our loss without my husband , faith, and supportive friends/family to help us through. No baby, no matter what age, should ever be forgotten. I'm so happy for you and your family that this baby is thriving! Good luck next week at your ultrasound and I totally admire you for letting it be a surprise!! :)

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  7. What a brave post. I hope your pregnancy continues to be normal and boring.

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  8. A very brave post, I agree. And for people who have experienced this, it must come as a comfort being able to read something that they can relate to directly. Not many people are open to talking about this type of experience because like you said...it's HARD to talk about. I have not experienced this type of loss in pregnancy, and it saddens me to hear about it happening to such a loving, beautiful family such as yours. I'm sorry for what you went through in June, but happy for you that you are pregnant again! I wish you all the best in your current pregnancy. Everything will be great :)

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  9. Allie you are an amazing person! Those who know you and get to read your blog are blessed. Thanks for sharing your story!

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