Thursday, May 31, 2012

One Year Ago...

What a difference a year makes...
That quote is an understatement....

Exactly 1 year ago,
I had put my boys to bed with a smile on my face, kissing their sweet foreheads and
 thanking God for their lives....
Behind that smile, I was terrified.
Terrified of what was happening within my body. Within my womb.
You see, I had found out 2 weeks prior that we were expecting a baby.
I found out on our last day of vacation in FL and we had a whole 18 hour drive home
to marvel at the new life that was forming inside my belly.

It was exciting, nerve-wracking, happy....my heart was jumping outside of my chest...
We kept the pregnancy as much of a secret as we could...
I had only told a few close friends....
Sometimes I wish I hadn't told anyone...
Because...
On this day 1 year ago I noticed the tiniest smidge of blood when I wiped...
I knew something was not right.
I went to the ER where I was checked and had an ultrasound.
The baby was alive. But not measuring where he or she should be according to my last period.
{Which is sometimes common}
But I knew, I knew something was not right, even though the doctors tried to tell me otherwise.
Through their fake smiles they told me our babys heart rate was slow and he/she had a 50% chance.
I walked away from the hospital feeling defeated but trying my best to hold out hope.
So after I put my boys down to bed 1 year ago.
I crawled into bed and I prayed.
I prayed for my family and for God to let our baby live. I prayed for strength.
I prayed for anything I could that would help me keep this baby longer.

The next morning came as usual and all seemed well.
I went along with my day as usual and took the boys on a playdate.
While we were there I felt a gush. I got the boys and walked to our car.
I grabbed a baby wipe and swiped to find TONS of blood exiting my body.
I almost dropped to the ground. I knew it was over at that moment.
I went home ran in the bathroom and sobbed.
I felt so robbed and angry and defeated by my body.
I kept asking myself why. Why is this happening.
And to this day those questions still have no answer.

But I know one thing as I look beside me tonight....
I am blessed.

Yes, we went through a bad experience 1 year ago.
Yes, it sucked. It sucked the life out of me for almost 2 weeks.
But we made it through it.

There are some things in life you can't control
No matter how badly I wanted to keep that baby. I couldn't. I had to let it go...
You just have to do the best with what life gives you.
I hate that it happened but in a way it opened my eyes.
It opened my eyes to be grateful for what we do have and our family.
To live in the moment and not take anything forgranted.

To welcome new things and say goodbye when we have to, no matter how bad it hurts.
I am stronger having this experience. I would never wish it on anyone 
but looking back it has taught me a lot.
I would never say that I am grateful for having went through it but the lessons are ones I will never forget.

And what came after that heartache is something that I will cherish my entire life.
We were blessed with welcoming a new life.
Jude Edward made his way into my heart, soul and womb 2 weeks after that horrid day.
1 year ago I would have never imagined being here in this place tonight.

Watching my sweet son's chest rise and fall as he sleeps peacefully.
His perfect lips are sucking at the air and his arms raised above his head.
He is peaceful, as am I.
We are blessed. We are VERY blessed.
What a difference a year makes.
And the friends that reached out to me one year ago.
I cannot say enough thank-yous!

If you have suffered a loss, you are not alone.
 There are so many wonderful women who I am grateful
 to have met that have been in my shoes and your shoes.
I am grateful to call you all friends.
Reach out, they will be there for you!
Do not let the heartache defeat you. Be strong.
Keep your head up and try to see the light at the end of the tunnel...I know you will reach that light!
Trust me! 
And when you do, it will be even more sweeter. 

17 comments:

  1. aww! I cried & smiled for you!

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  2. i love this post but i am sorry you went through that. it's hard, so hard, so many questions. i too have been there & you are right, you go home & you hug a little tighter. i thought the world was ending when it happened to us, but we too, a short time after were given a beautiful new life to celebrate :)

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  3. Oh Allie! I just want to give you a big hug sweetie. I am so sorry that you suffered such a loss, but you are right, you are so blessed.

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  4. Alice chicletj@hotmail.comMay 31, 2012 at 10:04 PM

    I also had a loss. We were about 1 year into trying to conceive our first child and had a miscarriage. Then 2 months later another miscarriage. The mixture of emotions and feelings is so intense! After I had my daughter and she was 1 I found out I was pregnant again and at about 8 weeks I started bleeding. The dr's didn't even have me come and told me I was having a miscarriage. A few weeks later I had stopped bleeding and started feeling morning sickness, sore breasts and a bigger stomach. I had to insist to be seen and it turned out I was still pregnant. So, I had all those feelings and then was still pregnant. Ay!
    Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I know how you felt! I'm so happy for you and your full arms and home :))))

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  5. That feeling of awe and being blessed doesn't diminish :) My oldest is going to turn seven in July and I still look at him and marvel that he is here and that heartache can turn to joy--he was my fifth pregnancy. The four babies who came before him were all lost in the first ten weeks and then he came and stayed and stayed and stayed :) It was a difficult pregnancy and he ended up being evicted during week 36 but he made it :) And now there are two more after him :D

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  6. Yep, we need to be neighbors now so I can walk on over and give you a big hug and thank you for sharing your story and your faith and believing in a God who knows our journeys!
    (That's all I've got for now since I have to get up and get a Kleenex) :)

    Love you girl!

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  7. Oh I'm so sorry. You have such a positive outlook on this tragedy and I hope for the same if it should ever happen to me. Makes me want to squeeze my babies even tighter today :)

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss...I went through something very similar but mine was with my first pregnancy. I never thought anything would go wrong, even though I knew of people who did nothing wrong and had miscarriages. I thought I was young and healthy and when I got pregnat that would be that. Nope, a week after we found out I started to spot....long story short 2 weeks later I miscarried the baby. I bleed the whole time and was given some hope with my numbers rising. I had a VERY hard time with this. I didnt talk about it to people because a lot of my friends and family didnt see where I was coming from (they said it wasnt even a baby yet) and it is hard to get it if you havent went through it yourself. We waited 3 months and then it took s another 3 months to get pregnant. But if I wouldnt of had that miscarriage I wouldnt have my oldest today. Do I wish the miscarriage never happened? Yes but I wouldnt give him up for anything. Know your not alone out there. God bless.

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss, I started reading a few months back so I didn't know about this. Having a miscarriage is one of my worst fears and I was terrified during my first pregnancy of it happening. I feel for anyone that has to go through that. But as you said you've been so blessed with Jude and now have a little guardian angel watching over all of you.

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  10. Allie you are BEYOND amazing!

    xoxo

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  11. This is truly a beautiful post, literally gave me chills.

    Thank you for sharing

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  12. I officially got pregnant TOMORROW one year ago - I can't believe it. If I would only have known one year ago to the day what next year held, I wouldn't have been able to even comprehend!

    And isnt it funny we almost named our guy Jude Edgar? So close haha!

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  13. Allie, you are such a beacon of strength and faith. Thanks for sharing with us....now go hug your little ones tight and enjoy your weekend!

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  14. This made me tear up. Such a beautiful and sweet post. Yes, you are blessed to have that sweet little snuggle bug!

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  15. What a beautiful post! Sometimes in the midst of all that pain and hurting it's hard to see the bigger picture. Now a year later you are so lucky to have that little mister in your life!

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Thanks for your comments, If I do not respond to you, feel free to yell at me! I really love you all~!