Friday, May 23, 2014

Beauty and me....

I have always been a super outgoing person, always.
I honestly just LOVE people and getting to know them and how they tick. 
But in reality I have usually been pretty insecure. Actually I am not sure if insecure is the right word, I just have never felt 110% complete with myself. You know when you are second guessing yourself and the things you say or the person you are. I feel like that was always me in a way. I was always trying to keep up with the rat race of what I thought others wanted me to be. I was always trying to paint the picture of what I thought beauty was. 
I remember hating my nose. Honestly. HATING IT! I remember once someone told me I had a big nose, as if I could not see it in the mirror people. I am almost positive they referred to it as a "negro" nose. Yeah, that one haunted me forever. I also remember someone in high school pointing out my teeth were not straight. I always tried to position my smile just right to not show my crooked teeth. Trying to portray something that is not true make your insecurities even worse. Its always the worst when someone else picks up on your flaw of insecurity. PS thank you to Invisalign for helping that problem a few years ago. SCORE! 

Anyways we all have our insecurities. So many issues have went to rest since I became a mom. The nose that I once hated and tried to hide is now present on my kids and I have learned to embrace the Schreiner nose. It represents my dad and my grandfather and our family. It marks that my kids are clearly carrying my features, especially Vincent. I love that he has my nose. The nose that I once hated. It marks that Vincent is all mine, him and that nose!! 
Beauty is such a funny thing. We have this idea of what "beauty" is, you know the perfect skin, the flawless hair, the perfect white straight smile. But it's not at all about that. I see beauty in peoples imperfections. I see beauty in the fact that my boys have ALL chipped their little teeth. I see beauty in the scar that Vincent has on his forehead from our vacation at the ranch. I see beauty in the scar that my husband has on his face from being bit by a dog as a child. I know that scar was very annoying to him growing up but I see these imperfections as our life story, as moments in our lives that we will remember. Moments that make us who we are. I get annoyed daily when scrubbing my face to see all the scars from my wonderful pregnancy acne. The old Allie would want to get something done to erase the marks, to hide them from people, but I am who I am now. This is me, acne scars and all. These scars are a reminder of my pregnancies with my sweet boys and they are a million times more important than any mark or imperfection on my skin. I have so many scars along my body as well from pregnancy, this belly will never once be back to normal and I am okay with that.
After 4 kids, the scale going up and down and seeing my body in so many difference sizes over these past 5 years I can now say when I look in the mirror I see beauty. I see myself, raw and real, sometimes with make up on but most of the times completely a mess and I can still smile. I smile at who I have become over these years. I smile at all I have been through, the crazy ups and downs of my hormones with pregnancy and post partum. I remember looking in the mirror just a mere 4 months ago amidst the post partum hell and wondering who I was. I was still there, behind the tired blood shot eyes and worn down body. I smile that I have found my place in this big ole world, that I have risen above any past issue or problem. That I am beautiful despite any imperfection or flaw. I now do not have a definition of what beauty is. 
There is no definition in my eyes. Beauty is so many things. There is beauty inside everyone, and most the time it has nothing at all to do with looks. 
Embrace the beauty in your lives from here on out. Embrace your big nose or your crazy hair. Focus on the "flaws" that may unite you to your ancestors. My nose is a trademark, when you see my father you INSTANTLY know I am his, and same with Vincent. I wouldn't trade that flaw for anything.

So step back and find your beauty. If you need help finding your beauty you just let me know haha I can see beauty in EVERY SINGLE PERSON I come in contact with. Always. I see it in the random man who rides his bike to mass every week who I once would have been terrified of, I see the beauty in his tattered clothing and in the way he receives communion from the priest. I see beauty in the mom who is clearly flustered with her screaming child in the store and praying no one is paying attention. There is beauty EVERYWHERE. EVERY SINGLE PLACE YOU LOOK. Find that beauty and try to embrace it!!

xoxo

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