Man this past year I have found myself digging deeper than I ever have into really understanding who I am as a person. It may be the fact that I just had to hit rock bottom and be rocked to the core to really ground myself and find out what makes me...ME.
Growing up in high school I always attached happiness to someone else or something. I always had a boyfriend and our relationship defined me. It gave me purpose. I would attach happiness to what I would get under the Christmas Tree. Boy if my dad buys me this watch I will be so happy and anything bad in my life will disappear when I wear it. This followed into my adult life and I still have to stay in check with it. When we found out 4 years ago that we had to relocate I attached myself to a house. A beautiful huge house with an amazing kitchen and that was going to make me the happiest person ever. I would have no issues with life if we got that house. All would be a fairytale. It happened again when we bought our last car and looking back I am such an idiot but at the time I thought having a Land Rover would bring me complete and utter happiness. Attaching ourselves to things or someone else to make us happy is a VERY slippery slope. Its completely delusional.
A little over a year ago I was hit hard with hormones and fell into a horrible anxiety ridden hell. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep and all I did was cry. No one could fix this for me. No matter what my amazing husband did he could not change the way I felt. The house we lived in could not take away the pain. My magic car could not fix this hurt and emotional chaos that surrounded me. No one could fix this and it was just me. I was at the worst point ever and I still to this day get very emotional and weird about it. It almost brings me to tears every time I think back to it.
Hitting rock bottom and having nothing or no one be able to fix me was very very raw. Jordan could hug me and tell me he loved me and so could my amazing family and friends and they did. I could feel their love but they could not fix me. I had to muster up the strength that I had to find me again. I can honestly say for once in my life I am completely in love with myself. I am not perfect and I am completely okay with that. I can laugh at my problems and not get caught up in things that would once bother me. I am completely at one with myself and who I am.
I have chosen to surround myself with things that make me happy. Things that push me to grow and to learn. People who encourage me to see outside the box. I have chosen to let go of things that held me down and did not add to me. I have chosen to fall in love with God and trust in His being. I have let go of anger and the past. I have learned that I am strong and can do so many things and to not let the little voice of doubt stop me. I learned that if I do not love myself that I cannot fully love others.
I have become more in love with my family and our life by really noticing that our relationships are what define us not the things that we own and the house that we live in. I feel so silly that I once allowed others to be in control of my happiness and that I allowed silly tangible items take such a huge power over what I viewed as happiness. I am grateful for the crap storm of hell that I went through and glad that I can finally see clearly.
There is really no rhyme or reason or special formula to this! You do not have to have a drop to you to your knees moment of pain to open your eyes to this. Think about how silly it sounds that we put OUR happiness in someone elses hands? Or we put our happiness on a car or a home or a new purse? That just sounds crazy right? But it happens. It happens when we aren't even realizing it. I still have to check myself back into reality when I start day dreaming about why this or that will make me happy. When you go to bed tonight remind yourself that you are in control of your happiness. You choose who and what is in your life. I know that I would not want Jordan's happiness or my childrens happiness being solely in my hands. How terrifying is that to think about having that much control over someone else. Especially someone that you love. So choose happiness. Chose to surround yourself with things that add to your life and your purpose.
Just some random night thoughts I had to get off my chest. xo