Monday, February 2, 2015

Where I am at....on more kids.

This past year has been full of so many emotions for me and I still get a lump in my throat truly wrapping my head around the fact that we are most likely closing this chapter on pregnancy and newborns. The past 6 years have been full of all things babies, between 4 healthy pregnancies and one miscarriage my mind had been wrapped up on due dates and milestones for my children. Typically by the time our babies hit their first birthday we have been pregnant. When Jude turned one I knew in my heart that he for sure wasn't our last.

Sam turned one last month and I really haven't fully accepted it. I don't know why all of a sudden its hitting me like a ton of bricks this morning, just the raw reality of it. So here's exactly what is going through my head. I would love another baby. I really would. Jordan and I have chatted about it BUT here's the thing it boils down to and I have been sorting out in my head and why its not right at this time to have more.

I have always wanted a girl. Call my crazy but the moment I first got pregnant I knew it was going to be a girl. Well fat chance sister, 4 healthy baby boys fill this house and bounce off these walls and while they have meltdowns and scream like girls they are indeed boys. Boys that love trains, cars and ninjas. All things that are foreign to me haha. I love my boys more than life itself and know I was meant to be a boy mom for a reason. But there is still that aching in my heart. Call me crazy but every time I  see a father daughter dance, I cry. I cry because I know just how much I love my daddy and also because Jordan will never dance with a daughter. Thank God for those mother daughter dances I will get. I know Jordan doesn't even care haha so this is all on my heart. I think about my mom and our relationship and how I call her almost daily and were like best friends. I tell her everything and anything and I love having that bond. Boys and moms don't really have that type of relationship....don't worry this is high on my priority list for me and my boys to break.

But let's not kid ourselves, who do you want in the delivery room as a woman, I wanted my mom and Jordan. I feel like with girls they always want their mom and their family watching their children. Honestly I lay awake stressing about daughter in laws because let's face it they will control a whole hell of a lot of who spends time with their children, my grandchildren. Which is another reason why I have to raise the boys to pick awesome ladies as wives.
See my head goes crazy with silly things I feel like I am missing. I have to stop and pinch myself because its downright silly. Just because I imagined something to be a certain way doesn't mean it has to, which I am a full blown testament of.

I know each time I announced its a boy, your hearts also ached a tad for me which sounds stupid as crap over a gender of a child. Please don't take this at all the wrong way because I am blessed to have one child let alone 4 amazing little men. So what this whole thing boils down to is getting over myself and dealing with the sheer fact that we don't control it all. Yes I wanted a little girl to take to dance classes and teach about nail polish and Barbie's. I wanted to help steer her away from mean girls and to look for good hearted boys. I wanted to help her pick out her wedding dress and sob in the front row knowing my baby girl was getting  married. I wanted to be there for her pregnancies when she was worried and to calm her fears and to wipe her tears during delivery. I know how much moms mean to daughters and selfishly I just wanted that. Cue the tears because every time I well up with them. Not because I'm sad at what I have just because I know how much having my mom means to me.
I am ready to break the trend with boys. I want to have the most amazing mother son relationships possible without being weird haha. I know nothing about boys and am slowly learning the super hero's and weird things they like. They are tiny Jordan's which melts my heart watching them do their boy stuff. The cool thing is even though they are full blown dirt covered boys they still are interested in stuff that I like. Vincent just chose to do an after school class and had no interest in soccer and chose cooking classes. I was so excited because he loves baking with me, maybe I won't have cheerleaders but I will have some kick ass chefs, you're welcome future wives. And while I get so caught up in the mother daughter relationship I also have to remember that mother in laws and daughter and laws can equally have a good relationship, I love my mother in law and talked with her a lot so it just shows that as long as my boys don't choose some mega priss we will be good to go.
So for now we really are closing the chapter to more babies. My heart is completely and utterly full and adding another for the sheer fact of wanting a girl (which wouldn't happen haha) is selfish and silly. Choosing to have another kid based on a 50% chance of gender is insanity. I have the sweetest 4 boys, and Sam and his fat grin has been the best thing ever. I am blessed beyond words and to continue having kids at this given moment in my eyes is selfish which is why we have chosen its time to close the chapter and focus on the future of school years and no more diapers. I held on to all of our baby stuff and am finally about ready to start officially clearing it out. I still haven't bright myself to do it yet as I picked up some of Sam's newborn outfits and got all nostalgic about how little the boys used to be and how amazing this ride has been. I don't know what our life would be like with a little girl and most likely I don't ever know but I know that we have 4 boys, 4 boys that despite them loving boy stuff that I have no idea about that I can still teach them wonderful mom lessons, teaching them which girls to avoid and how to be strong. Teaching them to be kind and helpful to others. Teaching them to love unconditionally and to never hold back. I might not understand the games they like or the sports they play but I will be their biggest cheerleader. Maybe God knew there was only space in our house for one crazy high energy cheerleader and that's me!
This year the Darr family will welcome the first baby girl, our neice is due in July and I am overwhelmed with all things pink. I hope to be the cool aunt and have a rocking relationship with her! I can get all my girly needs out on their sweet little one so its a complete win for all! So while there is no pink or babies in our future there is in our brothers and sisters future so there are many years of baby loving ahead and I cannot wait for our siblings to add beautiful additions to their families and to get to spoil and love their children like our own! All the benefits of babies without the work....

Now back to teaching these boys to choose the right wives.....no drama....no caddiness....I will have good daughter in laws....I will have good daughter in laws....that shall be my mantra. :)

Now back to reality Sam just ran in and hit me in the face with a toilet brush. The joys. And back to work, 21 Day Fix Extreme launches today!!!! Happy Monday y'all!


5 comments:

  1. . I have three boys and we are on the fence about trying for a fourth.. Ill be happy with another boy but ... Well u know how that goes.. I will say that I am closer to my mother in law than my own mom.. My mom and I always had a hard time.. I get what u are saying.. I'm there too.. But it's all up to Him...I'm not ready to say we are done though..

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I found out I was pregnant a boom hit and most of my friends had boys, myself and one other friend ended up with girls. I was so dead set that I wanted a boy because I was scared to death to have a boy crazy, hormonal and emotional daughter lol. But once Jeanette arrived, I was over the moon. I am honestly on the fence about having another, mostly because I still feel overwhelmed with having just one and working full time. I don't know how you do it girl, really. I know that she just turned one and I have time to think about it and oddly enough the hubby has baby fever and I don't have an ounce. It was hard for me this weekend as I packed up her bottles and put away another set of clothes that no longer fit.....just have to see what this year brings :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good daughter in laws and don't be a crazy mil! :o) That's my goal, not to be a crazy MIL! I will say I had my daughter and really wanted another girl. I didn't know anything about boys, even though I babysat for a family with 5 boys for years! But I wouldn't trade anything now that I have a boy too. You can't explain a sons love for his mom to anyone but a mom to sons!
    It's hard to say no more babies. I'm done having babies, but now that Ethan is 13 months, I do feel an ache/a wish to be able to have just one more baby.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Being a fellow NFP user, I will never roll my eyes if you turn up pregnant again :D. Ya'll make beautiful babies and your family seems so sweet and wonderful. If you have more, it'll be more wonderfulness and, if you don't, you've got all you need right there in your arms! :) God bless your family!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Can I just say that you said everything that I think about each day!!!! While I love being a boy mom of 4 boys somedays my heart just aches for all things pink and sparkly. I was obviously meant to be a boy mom and my little sister who feels the same about having a little boy has two adorable girls. I spoil my nieces to no end but sometimes you just wish you had a mother/daughter relationship.

    Fingers crossed to 4 awesome daughter in laws!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your comments, If I do not respond to you, feel free to yell at me! I really love you all~!