This past year has been full of so many emotions for me and I still get a lump in my throat truly wrapping my head around the fact that we are most likely closing this chapter on pregnancy and newborns. The past 6 years have been full of all things babies, between 4 healthy pregnancies and one miscarriage my mind had been wrapped up on due dates and milestones for my children. Typically by the time our babies hit their first birthday we have been pregnant. When Jude turned one I knew in my heart that he for sure wasn't our last.
Sam turned one last month and I really haven't fully accepted it. I don't know why all of a sudden its hitting me like a ton of bricks this morning, just the raw reality of it. So here's exactly what is going through my head. I would love another baby. I really would. Jordan and I have chatted about it BUT here's the thing it boils down to and I have been sorting out in my head and why its not right at this time to have more.
I have always wanted a girl. Call my crazy but the moment I first got pregnant I knew it was going to be a girl. Well fat chance sister, 4 healthy baby boys fill this house and bounce off these walls and while they have meltdowns and scream like girls they are indeed boys. Boys that love trains, cars and ninjas. All things that are foreign to me haha. I love my boys more than life itself and know I was meant to be a boy mom for a reason. But there is still that aching in my heart. Call me crazy but every time I see a father daughter dance, I cry. I cry because I know just how much I love my daddy and also because Jordan will never dance with a daughter. Thank God for those mother daughter dances I will get. I know Jordan doesn't even care haha so this is all on my heart. I think about my mom and our relationship and how I call her almost daily and were like best friends. I tell her everything and anything and I love having that bond. Boys and moms don't really have that type of relationship....don't worry this is high on my priority list for me and my boys to break.
But let's not kid ourselves, who do you want in the delivery room as a woman, I wanted my mom and Jordan. I feel like with girls they always want their mom and their family watching their children. Honestly I lay awake stressing about daughter in laws because let's face it they will control a whole hell of a lot of who spends time with their children, my grandchildren. Which is another reason why I have to raise the boys to pick awesome ladies as wives.
See my head goes crazy with silly things I feel like I am missing. I have to stop and pinch myself because its downright silly. Just because I imagined something to be a certain way doesn't mean it has to, which I am a full blown testament of.
I know each time I announced its a boy, your hearts also ached a tad for me which sounds stupid as crap over a gender of a child. Please don't take this at all the wrong way because I am blessed to have one child let alone 4 amazing little men. So what this whole thing boils down to is getting over myself and dealing with the sheer fact that we don't control it all. Yes I wanted a little girl to take to dance classes and teach about nail polish and Barbie's. I wanted to help steer her away from mean girls and to look for good hearted boys. I wanted to help her pick out her wedding dress and sob in the front row knowing my baby girl was getting married. I wanted to be there for her pregnancies when she was worried and to calm her fears and to wipe her tears during delivery. I know how much moms mean to daughters and selfishly I just wanted that. Cue the tears because every time I well up with them. Not because I'm sad at what I have just because I know how much having my mom means to me.
I am ready to break the trend with boys. I want to have the most amazing mother son relationships possible without being weird haha. I know nothing about boys and am slowly learning the super hero's and weird things they like. They are tiny Jordan's which melts my heart watching them do their boy stuff. The cool thing is even though they are full blown dirt covered boys they still are interested in stuff that I like. Vincent just chose to do an after school class and had no interest in soccer and chose cooking classes. I was so excited because he loves baking with me, maybe I won't have cheerleaders but I will have some kick ass chefs, you're welcome future wives. And while I get so caught up in the mother daughter relationship I also have to remember that mother in laws and daughter and laws can equally have a good relationship, I love my mother in law and talked with her a lot so it just shows that as long as my boys don't choose some mega priss we will be good to go.
So for now we really are closing the chapter to more babies. My heart is completely and utterly full and adding another for the sheer fact of wanting a girl (which wouldn't happen haha) is selfish and silly. Choosing to have another kid based on a 50% chance of gender is insanity. I have the sweetest 4 boys, and Sam and his fat grin has been the best thing ever. I am blessed beyond words and to continue having kids at this given moment in my eyes is selfish which is why we have chosen its time to close the chapter and focus on the future of school years and no more diapers. I held on to all of our baby stuff and am finally about ready to start officially clearing it out. I still haven't bright myself to do it yet as I picked up some of Sam's newborn outfits and got all nostalgic about how little the boys used to be and how amazing this ride has been. I don't know what our life would be like with a little girl and most likely I don't ever know but I know that we have 4 boys, 4 boys that despite them loving boy stuff that I have no idea about that I can still teach them wonderful mom lessons, teaching them which girls to avoid and how to be strong. Teaching them to be kind and helpful to others. Teaching them to love unconditionally and to never hold back. I might not understand the games they like or the sports they play but I will be their biggest cheerleader. Maybe God knew there was only space in our house for one crazy high energy cheerleader and that's me!
Now back to teaching these boys to choose the right wives.....no drama....no caddiness....I will have good daughter in laws....I will have good daughter in laws....that shall be my mantra. :)
Now back to reality Sam just ran in and hit me in the face with a toilet brush. The joys. And back to work, 21 Day Fix Extreme launches today!!!! Happy Monday y'all!