Bringing it Back

Ive been toying around with bringing this blog back and I wont lie after losing Henry and this blog being so focused on pregnancy and childbirth over the years I just couldn't find my groove with it, and also my youtubing, but here we are 30 weeks with our rainbow baby Teddy, slowly more confident in my footing of pregnancy, and I am ready to start sharing more. I am revamping the layout and updating everything so bear with me, but this will be my home for all my recipes, all my motherhood and lifestyle thoughts and just a fun place to connect again. I figured I would start with my post for all the moms out there, like me who have struggled with pregnancy loss. So here we go.

Yesterday, October 15th was such an important day and one I am so passionate about not to just support others but to offer hope as well. Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and I read back through all my years of posts on this topic from us experiencing our first loss in 2011 at 7 weeks and our most recent loss in 2016 at 19-20 weeks, my tone and outlook have varied each year. 1 in 4 women experience this loss and I’m fairly certain it’s a club none of us wanted to be in, yet our paths led us here and weirdly I can’t help but be extremely grateful that we do have eachother, to say “I’ve been there too” and “I’m here for you” because all our journeys mesh and mold together into an incredible, beautiful light that makes this journey less scary and less lonely. And I’m here walking the trail ahead of life after loss, a life that doesn’t forget or ever stop praying for my angel babies, a life that doesn’t forget those heartbreaking moments but uses them to be even MORE GRATEFUL every step of this pregnancy.

One of my favorite things (which I know sounds insane when speaking about loss) is to shine light and hope for the road ahead because this isn’t the end of your story, the end of your loving and the end of your family, I’m not quite sure where your path will lead but I know it doesn’t end here in this heartbreak and I pray heavily every step ahead for each of you. Please know that every emotion is needed and so necessary, there is no timeline of healing, there is no expiration date of when you should stop talking about it, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so allow it to come in waves and to work through it at your own pace, these children are a piece of us and there’s always a spot in our heart reserved for them.

I had completely shut off my mind and heart from pregnancy again, in fear of what would go wrong, in fear of a repeat happening and it was easier to just close the door of more kids. But God had bigger plans for us, a path I wouldn’t have honestly chosen to walk down, opening my heart up raw to the potential of hurt, of hearing those words “there is no heartbeat”, of delivering a baby and going home without him, I’m bold, but not bold enough to choose that path and sure enough, God decided I needed a nudge, a push towards growth, a push to open the wounds of the past and mend them up, and had I not been given this beautiful life and our son Teddy I would have spent my whole life allowing pregnancy loss to control me, to be the sole reason we didn’t have more children. I know it’s scary to consider, I know it’s terrifying going through a pregnancy after loss when our wounds are still there, but my friends it’s also a beautiful chance to rewrite our stories, to not allow them to end on a loss. Im still scared every day and pretty sure that will never leave our minds, but the more I focus on the positives and the growth the more calm I feel. I pray that your rainbow is ahead, I pray that your heart is healing day by day and I pray that you are blessed beyond measure in all the areas that you need.

Your rainbow is ahead, I just know it, open your eyes and that heart up to experience all the beauty that lies ahead my friends. I’m cheering for you every step of the way.